Female Doctors, High Cholesterol, and Why I Know I Am Getting Old Fast

Female Doctors, High Cholesterol, and Why I Know I Am Getting Old Fast
December 12, 2004
Posted by Bigmike

Here is a very small glimpse into the life of BigMike. I don't do this very often so pay attention........... or change the channel. Whatever.

My cholesterol is 225.

I don't suppose that's bad for a reformed burger eating, beer drinking, grease injecting behemoth.

However, my bad cholesterol is 275 and my good cholesterol is 42.

I suppose that is bad.

I think my bad cholesterol is supposed to be under 200 or something and my good cholesterol is supposed to be over 100. I think. I lost the paperwork my doctor gave me. All I can remember about it is where she wrote in big, black letters across the front of my results, BAD-NOTIFY. I guess that's why I had to call the nurses. They were all tripping over themselves to notify me per the doctor.

Right.

So what's a guy supposed to do? Ignore the problem? Hardly.

My doctor prescribed me the drug Lipitor (atorvastatin calcium) which, for those of you who don't know, is a cholesterol controlling drug that list side effects as gas, constipation, stomach pain and heartburn.

Like I need more of those.

Well, more gas isn't exactly a bad thing because it makes the whole "pull my finger" game more exciting for the kids, and it makes for a great dutch oven, but the stomach pain, constipation , and heartburn are less than preferable effects. I haven't really experienced these side effects yet, but I'm sure I will. Until then I'll just have to enjoy my regular amounts of bad gas, constipation, et al.

My doctor is a woman.

Guys, I highly recommend a female doctor because of these reasons:

1). If you talk to her about Viagra she doesn't care. She knows you are a guy and you want to get laid. She might even want to get with you herself although this is highly unlikely. She is your doctor after all. Why would she want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with a total stranger by having sex when all she has to do is move on to number two of this list.

2). Do you really want a guy to do that wonderful prostate exam? Do you really want a woman to do it? I have a choice. I choose woman.

3). It makes the whole "Next time I think I should get dinner and roses" joke after she pulls her finger out of your ass that much more funny.

4). If it is a woman looking into your eyes and telling you how concerned she is that you go on living, it is much more believable. At least to you.

5). Most of us men are much more used to disrobing for women than for other men, right?

Anyway, I have been seeing this doctor for about five or six years now and I have grown accustomed to her poking and prodding. I have no embarassment whatsoever telling her how I feel about my body and my health. It is actually rather enjoyable to see her because she has a great sense of humor and is very honest and straightforward with me.

So, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, my cholesterol.

She says to me that I am killing myself slowly. That I need to get on some cholesterol controlling medication or else I could die a slow, agonizing death.

I told her that I was hoping for quick and painless.

She said she hoped for that too, but since I wasn't in any real danger of going anywhere like, let's say, tomorrow, that I would have to settle for slow and agonizing unless I start taking better care of myself.

Which, incidentally, I have vowed to do.

When I walked into her office last week, my laundry list of ailments was astounding.

I was very sick from whooping cough.
My knee hurts like a bitch from arthritis.
So does my back.
I was having headaches.
I was sluggish and tired. Usually I am perky and energetic. :)
My face was covered with blotchy red goodness.
My arms hurt as well.
Did I mention my knee hurt like a bitch?

She did these things.

Made me give a blood sample for cholesterol testing.

Gave me a drug called Mobic for my back.

Gave me a Z-pack (antibiotics) for the remaining symptoms of whooping cough.

Told me it was ok to take Nyquil at night for my cough and congestion. I was happy about this but if she knew how much Nyquil I drink she would have sent me to detox.

Four days later she wrote the prescription for Lipitor and told me that if it didn't ruin my liver or make all my muscles hurt, then I would be ok.

Did I mention the Viagra yet?

So now I am a pill popping, Nyquil swilling degenerate. Just like when I was in college.

As it turns out, I am feeling better. The antibiotics worked and the pertussis (whooping cough) symptoms are gone. My back feels better and I have been wicked high on Nyquil every night for a week. I am not sure if the Lipitor is working or not but I have no constipation, stomach pain, or heartburn, and my gas is still two point five on the Richter scale just like always.

I guess I'm doing fine after all.

My doctor is the coolest.

Oh, and by the way, don't tell your female doctor that you want her to look at the sore you have on your dick. She will have the male nurse that works there come in to look at it and he will say things like, "Well thatth the thmallest "thore" I'VE ever theen."

It's degrading.

Now if I could just lose fifty pounds or so I could die a happy man.

Disclaimer:

BigMike take no responsibility for whether or not reading this post makes any one of you feel joy, happiness, sadness, guilt, gas, constipation, heartburn, or stomach pain. BigMike does not guarantee the quality of this post since he was up all last evening cleaning up child throw up that consisted of the previous dinners goulash, and having worked all day today, is extremely disoriented and tired. Also, the Nyquil kicked in about thirty minutes ago and he can hear his bed calling him. That is all.

Have a pleasant evening.