The Perks Of Pregnancy For Father-To-Be - Humorous Pregnancy Articles

The Perks Of Pregnancy For Father-To-Be
Mae Michaels

She's pregnant, and you're over the moon - until reality sets in. She's on a permanent hotline to the porcelain god (your fault), none of her clothes fit (your fault), you don't agree on any names (your fault), and nobody's paying any attention to you. Take heart, lads; it's early yet, and some of the biggest perks of pregnancy are right around the corner.

Bring on the Fritos
Eating a balanced diet is essential in pregnancy - meaning crash diets are off the menu. For you it could go two ways: either she craves mountains of salty/fatty/sugary goodness and you get to share in the spoils, or the sight of anything hydrogenated has zero appeal, leaving you free to stuff your face right in front of her with no danger of "making her fat." Stock the cupboard - this could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Bust-o-matic
One of the first signs of pregnancy is tender breasts - not so good, as you've probably discovered at the price of a slapped hand and a glare of resentment. But after tender breasts come firmer, fuller breasts - much, much fuller breasts. She'll be spilling out of her old bras before you can say "La Senza, my treat." Add the bonus of making her feel better about her changing body with some loving, sincerely-about-her lingerie shopping, and you've scored some serious points along the way. You'll need those points for the delivery room.

Natal attraction
Hormones are a funny bunch - sometimes she'll be up, sometimes she'll be down, and sometimes she'll be desperate to pin you to the bed and have her naughty way with you. The second trimester is a prime time for this spicy scenario; the third can be even better, depending on how she feels about her growing girth. It might take some creative positioning to get the action going, but it's nothing your post-first-trimester-desperate -for-sex self can't handle.

Permission to be a couch potato
Ever wonder why pregnant women in movies are always balanced precariously on a stepladder in a pair of overalls, cheerily painting the nursery? It's not necessity - you'll know well by now that pregnancy need be her only reason for loading anything she doesn't want to do onto your list. Nope, it's nature, and it's called the nesting instinct. Especially in the late stage of pregnancy, many women are possessed with the insatiable urge to scrub, polish, paint, fix - and even renovate - the homestead. Some mothers-to-be hand-wash the car at 8 months along; some grab a screwdriver and string LED lights in the kitchen cupboards. Bottom line: Any projects she's been nagging you about for months are likely to be caught up in this frenzy of preparation. Leave it late enough, and you'll come home to find her wiping the grout off your brand-new bathroom tiles. Of course, the gentlemanly thing to do would be to step in and save her from any potentially noxious fumes/fatal nail gun injuries, but you can count on a get-out-of-jail-free card on most household chores - that is, until the baby is born.

Hero points
It's midnight, you'd been sleeping for half-an-hour, and there's a pair of cats making weird noises under the porch; needless to say, you probably won't feel like pulling on your sweats and heading out for a bag of all-dressed chips and a tub of Cherry Garcia for her to mash together in one big bowl. But playing Knight in Shining Armour has its perks. Every shiny bag of M&Ms that you lug back from the store in her hour of need is like your very own purple heart - priceless if you've ever forgotten anniversaries, left her hanging at a work function, let it slip that she's a lot like your mom when she nags and nags and nags...the list goes on. Bonus: She'll extol your virtues to her family and friends, landing you in a swirl of adoration (try to visualize that adoration as she's clawing rivets in your hand in the delivery room).

So whether you're weathering a storm of snarly comments or a severe dry spell in your sex life, remember that pregnancy doesn't have to mean nine months of hellish hormones - if you listen to her needs, are understanding of her concerns and, most importantly, play your cards right, you could be living those nine months in bliss. Just keep your chin up - and get those pickle chips, now!

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