Veni, Viagra, Vici.

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Veni, Viagra, Vici.
July 1, 1998
Kate Clinton
The Progressive

Yes, we have the Viagra was hastily scrawled on a lid ripped from a pizza box and tacked up in the prescription department of my local Upper West Side apothecary apothecary /apoth·e·cary/ (ah-poth´e-kar?e) pharmacist.
a·poth·e·car·y
n. pl. a·poth·e·car·ies Abbr. ap.
1.
..... Click the link for more information. in Manhattan. It echoed that old song about bananas but also connoted a sense of exasperation: "All right, already--quit bugging me. It's here." When I asked the frazzled young pharmacist at the counter if she had been filling a lot of requests for the new blue potency drug, dubbed "Pfizer's Riser," she glowered at me through lowered eyelids eyelids,
n.pl a moveable fold of thin skin over the eye. The orbicularis oculi muscle and the oculomotor nerve control the opening and closing of the eyelid. . When I asked who was getting the drug, she said flatly, "Old guys with canes."

When Bob Dole appeared on Larry King Live Larry King Live is a nightly CNN interview program hosted by broadcaster and writer Larry King. The show premiered in 1985, and is CNN's most watched program, with over one million viewers nightly. and they both enthused about taking the drug, you could practically see the table rising up between them.

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But darn it, they both seemed happier than they have been in a long time. And happy straight guys are a good thing. When they get petulant pet·u·lant
adj.
1. Unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered; peevish.

2. Contemptuous in speech or behavior.


[Latin petul , they are liable to stand in their driveways and sip big gulps of coffee and then subpoena every one who has ever voted. No wonder Bob Dole retired. Now with something better to do at home other than spin cats by the tail, maybe Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, heck, even Helen Chenoweth will retire.

The deep, dark secret of impotence--and who knew there was such impotency in this the last remaining superpower?--is now out of the bedroom closet. It explains a lot of things. Trump Towers. John Glenn in orbit. Wall Street ups and downs ups and downs
pl.n.
Alternating periods of good and bad fortune or spirits.

ups and downs
Noun, pl

alternating periods of good and bad luck or high and low spirits
..... Click the link for more information.. Peterbilt double-width trucks. Bow ties. Nuclear testing in India. Godzilla. The Powerball lottery. Stand-up comedy.

A lot of corporate executives must be taking Viagra. How else to explain merger mania? The mergers of ABC/Disney CBS/Westinghouse, and MS/NBC are pitiful pommes de terres compared to banks merging with anything that's not nailed down. Banks with insurance companies? The other day, I tried to do a simple transaction at BankAmerica and my ATM laughed at me as I walked away. Banks with telecommunications companies? Recently, I dialed a wrong number and accidentally bought a medium-sized prison.

Disney is getting in on the act, too. It has just opened a Wild Animal Kingdom and is promoting it through McDonald's, which somehow did not violate Texas's food disparagement In old English Law, an injury resulting from the comparison of a person or thing with an individual or thing of inferior quality; to discredit oneself by marriage below one's class. laws. Do you want fries with your cheetahburger? If Disney merges with Pfizer under the dictum that "bigger is better," I, for one, am swearing off whoppers

For the hamburger at Burger King, see Whopper. For the porn actress, see Wendy Whoppers. For other meanings, see Whopper (disambiguation).



Whoppers are chocolate-coated malted milk balls produced by The Hershey Company. .

Anything the Pope is in favor of scares me: Pius XII, Mother Teresa, crowds. Before Pfizer rushed the drug to market to market, they got papal approval, even without signing an agreement that it would be prescribed only to married men with procreative pro·cre·a·tive
adj.
1. Capable of reproducing; generative.

2. Of or directed to procreation.
..... Click the link for more information. intent. Pope John Paul II Pope John Paul II (Latin: Ioannes Paulus PP. II, Italian: Giovanni Paolo II, Polish: Jan Paweł II) born Karol Józef Wojtyła (helpinfo) , the head of the bishoprics, gave the go-ahead in a papal Post-it[R] that said, "Paxil in terrum: Viagra pro hominem."

Viagra seemed to get FDA FDA
abbr.
Food and Drug Administration

FDA,
n.pr See Food and Drug Administration.
FDA,
n.pr the abbreviation for the Food and Drug Administration.
..... Click the link for more information. fast-track approval in about ten minutes, while RU-486--the morning-after pill which women need now more than ever--has not been approved in this country despite years of trying. And I doubt that women will ever get a drug specifically designed for their own sexual needs because that would involve more than the most anecdotal "when we say men, we mean women, too" research.

Pfizer had the name Viagra and matched it up with their new blue boner pill, deciding that since it implied the powerful flow and vigor of Niagara, it was a better fit than "The Promisekeeper."

If we ever get a drug designed especially for women's sexual needs, I've got a name already picked out: Virago.

By the way, I also asked my neighborhood pharmacist if any women were taking it.

She nodded yes. The drug causes blood flow to the penis, and even though women don't have penises (exception: Margaret Thatcher, Camille Paglia, Marge Schott), doctors have prescribed it for some women patients.

One woman said her prescription helped her reach orgasm in half an hour compared to her usual hour and a half.

Instead of Viagra, I would have prescribed a girlfriend.

Kate Clinton is a humorist hu·mor·ist